30 days of truth

January 2, 2014 LifeThoughts  No comments

In lieu of a New Years Resolution, I’ve decided to kick off 2014 with 30 days of truth, wherein each day of January I will share with all of you great people revealing, honest things about myself (that you may or may not know) in an attempt to be open and transparent. This honestly scares the hell out of me, which is exactly why I am going to do it. So here we go …

Day 30        I thought writing would be cozy and comfortable (silly me). Turns out, being a reader is cozy and comfortable. Being a writer is actually the most uncomfortable, unsettling, yet exhilarating thing I’ve ever done.

Day 29        I am afraid that the farther I move away from where I came from, the less real and accessible I become.

Day 28       As much as I love to think, talk, read, and watch things about the zombie apocalypse, should said event actually happen I’m just going to tap out and call it quits because I most likely wouldn’t survive anyways and who wants to live in a world like that anyway?

Day 27       I often wish my life looked like a country music video. No joke. I mean, have you ever watched a Kenny Chesney or Luke Bryan or Kip Moore music video? Bon fires,  beer, four wheelers, hot guys (and girls for that matter), nice weather – I mean come on. What’s not to like? For real.

Day 26           Without some very important people opening up their hearts and homes to me I would be on a very different path today: Samantha Firestone and her dad Rich, Chelsea Heaton and Jacqueline Lundie Sulik, and Shelby Kieliszewski and her parents Bonnie and Rich. Of course there have been lots of other important people in my life like Monica Saponaro Miller, and I especially want to thank you guys for all the love and support you have given me over the years. You have no idea how much it has meant to me – you guys have saved my life over and over again. Much love

Day 25         Most of the time I feel that the good in the world does not outweigh the bad.

Day 24        I regret how I did things/cringe at the things I’ve said in high school and sometimes with I could do it over (but not really). If I could go back I would open myself up to a lot more opportunities and people.

Day 23        If my life (friends & family) wasn’t in Michigan, I would probably move to the west coast – Seattle, Portland, or Northern California. I say this without ever actually being to any of those places, they they all seem like pretty cool places to live.

Day 22       I get overwhelmed with the bad, ugly things that happen in the world to the point of madness – especially when it comes to animal welfare and sex slavery. I have no idea how to balance caring enough to do something with knowing your limits and being able to detach. So I often get really overwhelmed by things like factory farming but can’t contain it so the only way I know how to deal with it is to shut down.

Day 21        I am struggling BIG time with balancing the different aspects of my life right now. I find it incredibly hard to go from being creative and engaged with my work to being a caring wife, that’s probably the hardest. But there’s also my other relationships with friends and family, my household responsibilities, my pets, fitness, taking care of myself, etc. I don’t understand how people do it!

Day 20         I’ve had a crush on my husband since I was 12. Asked him to homecoming at 15. And married him at 19. And I’m extremely proud of how solid my marriage is because I never thought I would get married.

Day 19        I have socialist leanings but I don’t follow politics and really have no idea what is going on. I also don’t watch the news because I think it’s too depressing. I basically rely on Facebook or my husband to let me know if something big happens. This is especially ironic because I was once a journalism major.

Day 18       I’ve had to do a LOT of cognitive work over the past several years (with the help of a therapist) to deal with my depression and anxiety. I used to worry constantly about problems before they even became problems to try to circumvent them, but I’ve learned that while I might not know the specific solution to a problem, I know I’m smart enough to figure one out when the time comes – so I don’t worry as much as I used to about stupid, everyday, scheduling stuff anymore.

Day 17         I was 12 when I had my first panic attack. Symptoms of panic attacks can differ from person to person but for me they feel like I’m having a heart attack, being stabbed in the back between my shoulder blades, my throat is swollen closed, I have a hard time breathing, and sometimes experience dizziness. They are VERY painful and uncomfortable.  They can last anywhere from a minute to a half an hour. And they often happen during down time after a long day (ie: on the bus ride home from school, when I’m trying to go to sleep). Thankfully, I haven’t had a full blown attack in several years and have medication for when I feel one coming on.

Day 16         I have lived and dealt with anxiety, depression, and Seasonal Affective Disorder for over 10 years. And they are all very real, very impairing disorders to deal with.

Day 15        I’m pretty sure some of the wires in my brain are crossed. I don’t cry at funerals, didn’t cry at my own wedding, and find myself feeling very indifferent (sometimes even mean) towards small children yet, a picture of a man holding his elderly dog in the water to ease his arthritis pain can make me cry like a baby for ten minutes. In fact, I’m such a sensitive sucker that anything having to do with Make a Wish foundation, soldiers, kids with cancer, or animals will (guaranteed) make me cry. Hysterically. Pass the Kleenex.

Day 14       I am still confused about exactly what I believe in. I’d like to believe that there is something bigger than us. But I do know I believe in love, the goodness in people, in light conquering justice, justice, truth, and that there are good things worth fighting for.

Day 13      While I generally feel that I am a better, happier person since choosing not to follow any certain religion/belief system, I do admit that I sometimes feel a lack of purpose which can be disorienting.

Day 12     I committed my life to Jesus when I was 12 years old and walked away when I was 18 because I felt drained, depressed, and had nothing left to give. I’m tired of apologizing for this like it was my fault or something I did wrong. I also know now that it’s not supposed to be that way but it doesn’t change my experience or the way I feel.

Day 11   I generally care more for animals than people. I have had in total 9 dogs, 3 cats, 2 ferrets, lizards, fish, 1 turtle, 1 bunny, and 1 raccoon (technically it was my step-moms). One day I want to have a pig.

Day 10    For being a writer I am surprisingly horrible at Scrabble and invariably lose every time.

Day 9       I hate the street name Coolidge. Hate, hate, hate it like nails on chalkboard.

Day 8      I am pretty sure I should’ve been born in England. I have a love for all things English – Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Will and Kate, Burberry, English cottages, quaint villages, Emma Watson, London, Spice Girls, herringbone blazers, etc.

Day 7      I have very conflicting feelings about having kids. I think that pregnancy and giving birth are beautiful things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to partake in them. (I also believe that it is a lie that you are less-than if you do not have children.) I know that right now, I am incredibly selfish and I have a lot of things I want to do, see, and accomplish before I even think about the possibility of raising a kid. I believe that parenting is hands-down the most important thing you will do in this life, so you have to dig-in and commit yourself fully or else you shouldn’t do it at all. I greatly admire mothers for everything they are, but I’m not sure I want to be counted among them. I also have strong convictions that if I do want to raise a child, I should open my home to a child from the foster care system who needs love and stability. Bottom line is, at the end of the day, the decision to have kids or not is mine and my husbands. No other opinions matter because at the end of the day, it is our life and our decision. Besides, I’m a pet mommy, doesn’t that count? 🙂

Day 6       I am most terrified of someone I love being taken, kidnapped, or go missing and not being able to do anything about it.

Day 5      6th, 7th, and 9th grades were the hardest years of my life to date.

Day 4      I have 3 tattoos and want several more. I believe that tattoos are not only imprinted on your skin, but on your soul – so my tattoos symbolize things I strive for and want to be and live. But I often forget they are there.

Day 3     I have had in total: 2 step-moms, 3 step-dads, 5 stepsisters 4 stepbrothers, 1 fully biological brother, 1 half-brother, and 2 half-sisters.

Day 2   I have a very hard time telling people I love them. In most cases, I probably love them very much, more than they know, and I will say it back if someone says it to me, it just makes me feel very uncomfortable for whatever deep-seated, psychological reason buried in my subconscious.

Day 1   I have been to a strip club. And quite enjoyed myself, actually. (The 3 shots of Jack could have had something to do with that though.)

 

photo cred: Jomhel Tomas

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